Cat\’s Eye View

Tonight it’s rainy at my house and I don’t like it, not one little bit.

It makes the lights flicker and the windows rattle. And I cannot hide in my tunnel. Last night, in the greatest of tragedies, my beloved nylon tunnel broke. the metal part at the front, that holds the tunnel open bit my Da and made him bleed. So he said it was time to throw it away. I was very sad.

He tried to buy me a new one, but its very narrow and very long. I don’t like it.

So when the cracking and booming started, I had nowhere to hide. It was horrible and makes me very sad, so sad in fact that I am sitting here with a yak on my head. Well, not a whole yak, but a yak hair bracelet…a think it was made by nuns in support of Free Tibet…and it is one of my favorite toys. Since I lost my tunnel, maybe I can hide under the yak.

The nice lady who owns the house where my people and I live has a yippee dogs. You know the type. He barks at everything under the sun. Today, he is barking at my squirrels.

Man, dogs at dumb. Don’t you know that if you bark, they hear you coming and run away?  A smart dog or a cat would sneak up and grab them before they know what hit them. He is clearly not a smart dog.

Under normal circumstances, he would qualify for union membership. I guess I need to clarify that. union membership is limited to dogs and cats (other animals might be let in on a probationary basis) who have been homeless or who support their homeless brothers and sisters. Pedigreed pups sold in pet stores need not apply.

Anyway, the landlady’s dog should have qualified for membership. He got lost in St. Louis and found his way to Linda who gave him a home.  But he’s dumb and barks all the time, which makes him disqualified. Terriers and other ankle biting dogs are also not allowed until they exhibit superior intelligence. Cat-like dogs such as greyhounds are encouraged to apply.

I’m Rainy Day Kitty and i approved this message.

Every cat knows that we could do what our humans want us to, if we felt like it.

But most of the time, we don’t. It prevents them from getting any illusions that they control us. Luckily, Ma never gets those ideas. She knows all the time that I rule this house.

So, every once in awhile I like to throw her a bone and do what she actually expects of me. She’s so cute. She wrote about me here. She tried to pretend to other humans that she’s in control, but we all know better.

I have her trained to get up when I want breakfast, change my water as soon as she is awake for the day, and get my fish promptly at six o’clock.  Training her wasn’t easy and took some perseverance, but I’m sure you can train your people too.

The key is to look pathetic and cute while being demanding all at the same time. When I was training her to get up at dawn to make my breakfast (yummy cruchy ProPlan!) I had to spend a few days nosing around my dish and making sure she could see that it was empty. I even put one paw up on top of the food container to let her know what I wanted.

Sometimes, with people, you have to speark very slowly and plainly for them to get it.

A couple times, I gave her the belly flop to “show my appreciation.”

now, she is so well-trained, she gets my breakfast at dawn even if I decide to sleep in.

Kitties of the world, it is time for us to unite in angry protest!

Have you seen this site?  It is the most demeaning and insulting thing ever to catking everywhere!

First, it starts with cats doing cute things and being silly enough to get caught on camera. As we all know, it is a violation of union rule #1706.3 to be filmed or photographed doing anything that makes humans go, “Awww, how cute!”

i realize that it is sometimes in our best interest to be adorable and to make people love us, but Icanhascheezburger?? Seriously, what self-respecting cat would ask for a cheeseburger?  Make mine fish please.  Got a fish taco?  I’ll take mines minus the shell, minus the cheese and toppings.

It’s not that I don’t like cow? It smells very interesting. But it is not fish. And, while I will perform cute tricks for fish, I would never degrade myself in this manner for a cheeseburger. Worse yet, consider the poor sod they posted recently.

“Iz mah blankiee dun?” Come on, man, where’s your dignity?  It’s your duty as a cat to look indignant when they rub your belly and complain loudly about being held and you think it’s okay to beg for a blankie? Geez. What are they teaching you in kitty school?

This site is a danger to kitties everywhere. Even dogs wont respect you after seeing this stuff. Rebel now! (And demand fish not cow!)

Love ya,

Rainy Day

Union Organizer  and only remotely adorable (you can’t prove it!)

When I was a little kitten, Ma and Da bought me the coolest toy at Petco. It has a bright yellow tab that goes over the door and a squeaky mouse that hangs down where I can beat the living daylights out of it.

I beat the squeak out of the first one in less than a day. Ma and Da love me, so they bought me another one. I have had one on the bathroom door since about a week after I moved in here. The one that’s up there now doesn’t squeak anymore, but it still bounces pretty good.

Ma and Da were gonna buy me a new one today, but silly Petco doesn’t carry them anymore. This might be my last mousy!  I mean I have three of them laying around the house, most of them without a squeaker and meant for dragging around to get Ma and Da to play, but the extra ones can’t hang on the door anymore and none of them squeak.

Petco, bringback the mousyes! Please!!

Today my Ma went to a store that smells like so many different things: incense and bath oils and salts and….

Well, the whole reason for her going there is enough to make a cat see red, but i digress. I’m here to talk to you humans out there about the smells you bring home with you.

Sometimes, those smells are nice. Like cheezeburger. I like that smell. Today, not so much.

It’s not that I don’t think incense smells nice, I do. But when Ma comes home smelling like sandalwood and sage and dragon’s blood and some other stuff, my poor little nose goes crazy.

You know I have a better sense of smell that most dogs, right? Cats would be awesome trackers if we wanted to be.

Anyway, when Ma comes home smelling that way, it makes me sneeze. I don’t like to sneeze. I’m sure your cat doesn’t like to sneeze either.

So, to all you hummies out there, one smell–just one is enough for your store, house or whatever. More than one is too much and hurts my nose.

Lately,  well, it seems like forever now,  Ma & Da have been ‘scussing something ‘bout the president and who should be the next one.To quote Paris Hilton, our options are the change guy and the old dude…and well, maybe Paris. I can’t endorse Paris ‘cause, well, have you seen the way she treats her puppies?  I think the pet union has her up on charges of being too dumb to have a pet. There might be something more technical then that, but basically if you think your pet should match your outfit, you should be permanently barred from pet ownership.I don’t really know much about Obama or McCain, but I do have some pressing campaign issues that I need answered before Ma and Da can vote for either of them. 

Do you own a pet?  What kind? Who takes it for walks or changes the litter? If you don’t know, you are disqualified! 

What are you going to do about the price of tuna fish? Yeah, yeah, economy. Whatever. All I know if that last summer, my pouches of tuna were 99 cents and now they are $1.89. Don’t tell me about mortgage bailouts or the stock market. I want to know about the price of fish. 

What are you going to do about the homeless pets left behind because of Ike? Those puppies and kitties need fresh water and ‘lectricity and their people back. What are you doing about it?  

Are you in favor of national kitty care? I have some third cousins twice removed in the backyard that need rabies shots and spayed, so I don’t have any fourth cousins next spring. It wouldn’t have to be luxury kitty care, just shots and spays. 

Remember that old line about a chicken in every pot? I don’t care much for chicken, but I would like a cricket in every basement. 

I would also like to encourage both candidates to look into environmental and economic concerns more loosely. We’ve already established that Paris is an idiot, but even she could figure out that we need to drill for oil and look for alternative fuel sources both at the same time. If she can figure it out, why can’t you?

My people think that I hate their bed. I absolutely refuse to set foot on it when theya re watching, but I’ll let you in on a secret: When they aren’t looking, it’s a great spot to snuggle.

If Ma’s not here, I can hide under her comforter and pretend she’s snuggling me. Then, when I hear the loud box that takes them away, I can jump into the window to greet them. By the time they get out of the box and get to the door, I can be there to greet them.

Ma has never caught me on the bed, but she says this is her theory, ’cause how else does kitty hair get all over her pillow.

I just smile and wag my tail. She’ll never know…

Last night, Ma was folding laundry and left a warm and fluffy towel sitting on the futon while she put some other clothes away. I’m not sure if she meant for me to use it as a pillow, but it sure worked for one.

Back when I was a kitten and my people had not bought me proper kitty beds, I used to sleep on a towel on the dining room table. I could cuddle up under it if I got too cold, or just lay on it and enjoy the fluffy bed. Once I got my baskets and my beds and my cat tree, they stopped giving me the towel. I didn’t really miss it, until last night.

Last night, I snuggled up in Ma’s seat and used my warm towel as a pillow, wrapping my right paw around it to hold it to me. It reminded me that Ma and Da love me and always take care of me.

It’s good to be loved.

As a cat, I find it very important to be able to let your people know exactly what you want and make them do it.

Recently, I have been working with the pick me up project. Sometimes, this is simple. You walk over to where Ma is working and put a paw on her knee. this translates to, move the dang laptop, I need to be petted. It works for about 20 minutes at a time.

The oth sign that I want to be picked up is to  tackle my people’s shins and then walk away with my back to them. This means, pick me up while I pretend to ignore you.

Another key message is the slightly muffled “merowp!!” when picked up from reclining. This can meet put me on my bed or sit down and pet me. It almost never really means “I want down! I want down!”, but you should try to keep your people convinced that’s what it means.

Finally, there is the real, “Put me down now!” This should be reserved for times when you are irritated or someone not your normal people attempts to pick you up. This can involve a loud “humpfft” or a serious cry. In extreme cases, it is perfectly legitimate to follow up by wrapping your front paws around a forearm and raking with your back paws.

This is also an acceptable form of protest against anyone who tries to trim your claws.